Memories of Love and Pain
by DJ5
Summary: Post-S7. After Spike sacrifices himself to close the hellmouth once and for all, the PTB decides to return him to earth. Three months later, Spike shanshues and ends up somewhere in LA with no memories. See prologue for further details.
1. Prologue

(A/N: Thanks to Brianna for being a wonderful beta as always =D Note that this is my first non-fantasy fic. Be gentle, kay ;) )

Summary: Post-S7. After Spike sacrifices himself to close the hellmouth once and for all, the PTB decides to return him to earth. Three months later, Spike shanshues and ends up somewhere in LA with no memories. He can't remember anything from his past life even after Angel – the person who finds him – calls Buffy for help. Can Buffy bring his memories back to him including the horrible deeds he has done in his past life? Or is she going to let him start a new life? 

**Prologue:**

It was painful to see. The light was coming from him, melting him away; yet he still smiled at her. She could see his love shining in his eyes, twinkling between the pains he suffered. He still smiled. Oh, the sacrifice he had made for the world. The words he said to her, scorching her inside out. It's agonizing to see him burn. He shouldn't, didn't need to…but he was willing to. 

"I mean it. I gotta do this…" She linked her fingers with his, sensing the glow of their joining hands. Spike looked down to their interlocking hands, watching the flame burst in between them, he then looked back to her, questioning her with his eyes. She tried to ignore the blaze that surged through her from her hand as her eyes danced with adoration for this man, the man that sacrificed himself for his final redemption. She smiled as she finally uttered the words she had been wanting to admit, wanting him to hear. 

"I love you…" His eyes pinned hers with sadness and pity when those three little words sang through his ears. He had been yearning to hear it but now that he had, the words only did a little comfort before his end. He smiled sincerely at her again. 

"No, you don't. But thanks for saying it. Now go." 

Giving the very last look at him, she turned away, started for upstairs, running as fast as she could, as the school building shook with intensity, crumbling down pieces by pieces. 

He stood there, gave a bitter laugh as he readied himself…readied himself to give what he could offer for the world, the safety from the last apocalypse. The light spread immensely, scorching him, eating him from inside as his form started to disintegrate into dust. And then he'd gone. He'd gone forever…

Buffy woke up with a start. She stood up straight on her bed, running a hand through her tresses. Her sobs were evidence of another nightmare in another night. She glanced at the open curtain. The moonlight shimmered through her darkened room. She glanced at the clock nearby, it read 4 AM, the exact time when she woke up with a start every night ever since the last apocalypse. She drew her knees to her chest, wrapping her arms around them while she buried her head on her kneecaps. 

_I can't go on like this_, she told herself, feeling her tears start streaming down her cheeks. _No, this got to stop. But how?_ She rocked herself back and forth, biting her lower lip to suppress her sobs. _God, I miss you…I miss you, and I love you so much. _

She muttered those same words every night, as if rehearsing them before he came back to her. Though she knew it wouldn't possible. She regretted that she didn't start practising them a long time ago. If she did, she would have told him days…maybe weeks before the apocalypse. And now it's too late. He's gone, slipping away from her arms, while she stayed here on earth alone. 

Buffy looked around her room, in her apartment she had rented for almost three months now. Ever since Sunnydale was destroyed, she decided to move to another country, far from her friends and family. She knew it was unfair to her sister, sending Dawn to stay with their father in LA. But she couldn't handle being around her friends, celebrating their winning over the last battle. It wasn't right. Spike wasn't there with her to celebrate it. He had left her to save the world. Yes, it was a noble thing to do, but it tore her heart apart, shattered her newfound love like scattered dust. 

Buffy smiled wryly at her thoughts. At least, the man she loved left her for saving the world from apocalypse. Not for the selfish issues like Angel and Riley had against their relationships. 

Her lower lip quivered as she remembered the last look he gave her, the look that she would cherish forever when he told her to run for her life. She wiped her tears away, but they kept running down her cheeks. _Oh god, make them stop. Please, make these tears stop flowing._ She wasn't sure if she still had any tears left. They were spent little by little every night, for every abrupt awakening. If only he came back to her, back to her arms, then she would no longer have to cry herself to sleep. But it was impossible…unattainable. Buffy chuckled ironically at the last word. Her face started to crumble again as she recalled his speech in that stranger's house. He always had a way to make her heart melt through his words, to make her cry by the sweet touch in his statement. 

_"When I say I love you, it's not because I want you, or because I can't have you, and it has nothing to do with me. I love what you are…What you do…How you try…" _

Only god knew how she still survived all these months. Perhaps it's because she lived here alone in Sydney. Perhaps it was because she had stayed away from her friends who had moved on with their life. Or possibly the strength Spike had given her still lingered inside her.  

_to be continued___


	2. Chapter 1: Coming Back

**Chapter 1: Coming back**

The dim alley was quiet and eerie, only a couple of dog's barks were heard. A dark figure breezed through the empty street; his duster billowed behind him as he treaded in wide steps. He slowed his pace when he sensed something…or someone nearby. Putting a complete halt, he narrowed his eyes and glanced around his surrounding. 

The short hair on his nape straightened as he tried to distinct the oddity. He normally didn't bother if it was only a presence of ordinary human being or harmless demon. But he could detect something peculiar…and familiar. 

"Who's there? Show me yourself!" He called, eyes searching for the person in question. A rather loud rustle was heard in between empty cardboard boxes and garbage bags. Angel stalked towards the source of the noise warily. It was too dark to see this stranger, he needed to use his vampiric strength to make out its silhouette. Few curses slipped from the person seated in the middle of the boxes and Angel bugged his eyes in shock. He had shaken the thought of the only person that had the uniqueness he had been sensing. Yet he was initially right. There, in front of him, the person he never thought he would see again was trying to get on his feet…his childe. 

"Spike? You're alive! Buffy said you-" Angel stopped himself when the man in front of him tilted his head and confusion passed over his features. 

"Who are you? What did you call me before?" He drew his brows in a frown and the same emotion crept over the brunette vampire. 

"You don't remember me? It's me, Angel."

"No. Should I? What kind of a nancy boy name is Angel anyway?" He snorted, then looked down to himself. Shocked at his lack of clothes, he instantly covered his crotch. "And what in the bleeding hell am I naked like a freshly born baby?" He yelped. 

Angel was still frowning as he peeled his duster off and handed it to Spike while mumbling, "Huh. For a person who lacks of memories, you surely have colourful words." 

"What did you say?" Spike asked, putting the duster on and buttoned it completely. 

"Nothing. We need to get you to my place and figure this out quickly. And I should contact Buffy, too." 

"You keep mentioning that name. Someone I know?" The brunette was silenced for a moment, looking at the other man pensively. _He doesn't remember anything or anyone at all, does he?_ Shaking the thought off, he placed a hand on Spike's back and led him to his car. 

Just as they were about to reach Angel's vehicle, Spike suddenly held his head in his hands and screamed painfully. He crouched down to his knees, blurry images flashed into his mind swiftly and he pressed his digits on his skull desperately as if to lessen the pain. 

"Spike, you alright?" The larger man's voice didn't seem to get through his brain as he stared blankly at the empty space, hands slowly dropping to his sides. Angel shook his body harshly but he stayed motionless, his expression was unreadable as if he was lost. All he could hear was the distant voice that uttered the same words over and over again, though he couldn't understand what it was saying. 

A shadow slowly appeared amid white fog and neared him. It was a female figure but its visage was still unclear. She extended her hand to him and called him in a gentle voice. "Spike…" He was unmoving, his lips slightly parted. The female stranger called him again, and again, and again until her voice lowered and gradually became a male voice. 

"Spike!" Angel shouted at his face, shaking his body more forcefully. Spike blinked, finally stepped out of his stupor. He looked at the brunette who had worried expression across his façade. 

"What?" Spike asked numbly, his breath somewhat turned into pants. A jolt of surprise coursed through Angel as his ears picked up a sound that only human being could produce. A heartbeat. A raced heartbeat. Why didn't he recognize that before? 

"Y-You're human!" He exclaimed incredulously.

"What?" The other man asked again, now rather in confusion. The vampire didn't answer him. Instead, he helped him on his feet and gestured him to climb into the convertible. 

"We need to get you to hotel as soon as possible." With that said, Angel turned the steering wheel and drove into another empty LA street. 

*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*

The double front doors of Hyperion Hotel were swung open and all of the original AI employees turned their heads to the two men that just entered. 

"Spike?" The former watcher stared at the blond man in shock. Confusion once again reached Spike as he stared back at Wesley. It seemed like every one knew him yet he didn't recognise any of them. 

"Whoa, whoa! Don't tell me this is Spike, your childe, Angel!" Gunn spoke up while eyeing Spike. Angel glanced at the man next to him before turned his attention to his employees. 

"Yes, he is. Somehow he returns to earth…as human." He walked further to the lobby with Spike in tow. Frown washed over the AI employees at the revelation.

"Y-You mean someone has resurrected him? Like Darla?" Fred asked. 

"God, I hope not. Who would want to do that anyway?" The brunette vamp scowled. Spike glared at him instantly. 

"Well, then if he wasn't resurrected, the only way for a vampire to return as human is if he-" 

"Shanshued." Wesley cut off Fred's sentence. "The prophecy has happened. Spike shanshued and he is now human." He immediately fled to his office and searched for a certain ancient book. 

Angel was taken aback, then laughed incredulously. "No, that's not possible, Wes. This is Spike we're talking about here. Yes, he had a soul but didn't you tell me that the prophecy was about me? I mean, come on. What had he done to deserve this?" 

"Um, Angel…" The brunette watcher looked up from the book he just read. "The prophecy never mentioned anything about a cursed soul." Angel looked perplexed.

"Oh." He glanced at the blond man with slightly narrowed eyes. "Great! First he got a soul and now he took my shanshu." He mumbled to himself, miffed. Spike eyed the vamp before he turned his head to the rest of people in the lobby. 

"What are you people talking 'bout? Vampire, prophecy…what in the sodding 'ell is happening 'ere?" Spike asked, more confused than ever. These people surely had lost their minds. They kept discussing about supernatural things as if they happened everyday. 

"Wait, you don't remember?" Wesley stepped towards him with a frown.

"No." At the single word Spike supplied, Wesley turned his head to look at Lorne who had been strangely quiet ever since Angel and Spike arrived. The psychic demon heaved a sigh in exasperation.

"Oh joy! I'm sensing singing coming on." He said in a fake enthusiasm. Rounding the lobby desk he guided Spike upstairs. "Let's get you clean up and nicely clothed, shall we? And then you can sing for me afterwards." He smiled to the blond man who eyed him warily nevertheless followed his order in reluctance. "Just hope you won't give me any miserable and sorrow." He mumbled under his breath, smile still plastered on his green face.   

*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*

"Lorne, open up! You can't do this every time I ask you to read someone's mind." Angel pounded on the demon's door loudly, waiting for it to be ripped open. 

"Well, if you didn't ask me to read someone in sorrow, maybe I would've opened this door by now." Angel drew his brows together. 

"What do you mean someone in sorrow? Spike was in sorrow?" A beat of silence passed before Lorne decided to open the door and let the vampire in. 

"It was terrible. Somehow I didn't feel or see anything happened to him after he was…you know, dusted." Lorne sighed as he slumped into his couch and Angel followed, sitting next to him.

"Spike was dusted? How?" 

"Didn't the blond slayer tell you how he died?" At the shake of head Angel gave him, he looked down thoughtfully. "I guess she was too heartbroken to tell you how it happened." He frowned at Angel's sudden outburst of laughter. Yet he still continued in a quiet voice. "She loved him, Angel. I don't know if it still matters to you that she had moved on but-"

"How do you know she loved him?" Angel stood up abruptly, looking down to the demon in disbelief.

"She told him. And I still can feel what he felt. It was true joy and happiness…and loved. But all the while, he also felt sad and sorry…or maybe it was pity." For a minute, Lorne spaced out, his mind replaying the scene of the final battle in the school basement. 

The vampire sat down again, agape at the discovery. "You said he was in sorrow. Is there more I should know about?" His voice was quiet. The fact that the former woman of his existence was in love with her once mortal enemy still hadn't sunk in fully. 

"There is a lot more but I don't think it's none of your business. It rather involves him and the slayer." At that, Angel snapped his head to him, rage started to build as thoughts of Spike hurting Buffy flashed across his mind. 

"You mean he hurt her? Because if he did, I swear I'm going to kill him myself, human or vampire."

"Whoa…hold on, knight in shining armour. It wasn't like what you thought it was." Lorne paused for a while and then mumbled to himself. "Although he did try once." 

"He did?!?" 

"AND he felt _very_ horrible about it. That's why he went to get his soul back." Lorne quickly spoke up before his boss got more pissed off. Angel eyed him warily. 

"What did he do?" He spat, trying to control his rage.

"It's none of your business, Angel and it will stay that way. It's between him and the slayer. Besides, it's not like Spike was the only participant in the wrecked relationship." 

"What do you mean?"

"Nothing. Again, none of your business, remember? And now that I've told you, so shoo! I need to get my beauty sleep." Lorne hurriedly ushered Angel to the door and locked it immediately before Angel could protest. 

*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*

Angel waited patiently for the phone to be picked up. Three rings later, someone on the other line greeted him. "Hi, may I speak to Buffy, please?" He waited again as he was put on hold. A female voice soon filled through the speaker and he instantly recognized it. "Buffy, guess who's just come back to earth!"  

_to be continued._


	3. Chapter 2: Reunion

**Chapter 2: Reunion**

Buffy stared at the white clouds through the small window of the plane. She was on the edge of her seat. She could not sleep nor relax as her mind continued reminding her that Spike was indeed alive…and breathing. A smile tugged at her lips when she realized that her faith in him finally paid off. She hadn't given up on him, still believing that someday he would return into her arms. And he would, in a few hours. 

A lone tear slowly made its way down to her cheek as she blinked. _Spike is alive_, her mind reminded her again for the thousandth time. The moment Angel told her the miraculous news, her heart skipped a beat. She was sure that she would've had slumped into the floor if her hand didn't grip on the edge of the counter in a blink of eye. As soon as she hung up, she asked her boss for several days off due to family emergency and he was kindly enough to give it to her. Buffy fled the restaurant once the permission was granted and packed her bag the second she arrived at home. 

And now, she was on the way to Los Angeles, anxious to be reunited with the man she loved. She hadn't moved on and she was grateful to that. Willow had tried to reason with her that Spike had gone and wouldn't come back every time she gave her a call. However, Buffy was adamant to her belief and she would hear none of it. She knew each of her friends had gradually moved on to have a normal life but she wasn't ready yet. She wasn't ready to accept the fact that Spike wasn't returning to her. Sighing, Buffy looked back to the window as she reflected how every one of her friends moved on after Sunnydale was destroyed.

Giles went back to England and planned on rebuilding the council of watchers. Though all of the books in the council as well as the ones he brought to Sunnydale were destroyed, he still had some of his collection at his apartment in England and they were good enough as the sources of demon information for the starter. 

One time, Willow visited him and the coven with Kennedy; alas a flight crash separated her and her girlfriend apart. The redhead witch survived but the former potential slayer didn't. Buffy thought that with the death of Kennedy, Willow would understand how it felt to be left alone by the person one loved. Willow did though, for a while. But she had slowly moved on ever since she decided to live in England and joined the coven.

Xander. Buffy smiled ruefully as she remembered her oldest male best friend. She knew that behind his jokes and smiling face, he still felt the pain of losing Anya. He still loved her very much and Buffy didn't doubt it for any second. Yet, he too had made a good progress in living a normal life. Residing in Boston, he now became a well-respected building constructor and had bonded with Andrew who shared the care for Anya. 

Buffy hadn't heard from Faith, Wood and the rest of the former SITs for a while. She only knew that Faith and Wood moved to New York where Wood was born and that they agreed to give each other a chance in a serious relationship. All of the former SITs returned to their respective family since there was nothing for them after Sunnydale was gone. 

And Dawn, she was rather forced to move on by Buffy. The slayer left her in their father's care and hoped that her sister would have a better life without her. She admitted that it was selfish of her but she didn't want to drag her sister into dwelling in misery of missing Spike. 

She took a long deep breath. Looking at the screen in front of the middle column of seats, she silently counted the hours left before she met the man who had been haunting her dreams every night. 

*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*

She looked frantically around the lobby, eyes searching for a certain blond man. 

"Buffy, I didn't expect you to-" Angel's greeting was cut off as she grasped his arms and looked up to him.

"Where is he? Tell me where he is?" She asked impatiently.

"He's in-"

"Do you people realize that putting blood in the fridge is just-" Spike stopped himself once he saw the young woman standing in front of the double doors. His mouth was agape, his tongue hung in the air as he stared at her. _What a beautiful creature._ His brows drew into a frown when she strode towards him, eyes fixing on his. _Do I know her?_

Buffy and Angel snapped their heads to the blond man who just walked in. She clasped her hands over her mouth. It's him. It's really him! It's Spike, her Spike. Her lower lip began to quiver as she tried to contain her cry. She didn't dare to blink, afraid if she closed her eyes just for one millisecond, he would vanish. 

Buffy stepped slowly towards him, then increased her pace when the fact that he was really there finally sank in. She flung her arms over him and began raining kisses over his face, tears flowing freely down her cheeks. 

"It's you. It's really you. Oh god, I miss you. I miss you so much, Spike." She choked out her words, still planting kisses on his forehead, cheeks, eyes, nose, and finally lips. Buffy stopped her ministration when she felt his body rigid. She leaned her head back, looking up to him with confusion marred her features. "Spike?" 

He gave her a tight apologetic smile. He had frozen ever since the girl in front of him threw her body against him, hugging him tightly and kissing him wildly. Spike couldn't understand it. This beautiful woman was joyfully in tears, or as he presumed, once she saw him. What did he mean to her that had caused her miss him terribly? 

"You call me Spike, too. Do…do I know you?" Confusion etched her façade even more as she looked into his eyes.

"What?" Buffy asked softly. 

"Um, Buffy, I need to tell you something…now." Angel interrupted. He gently pulled Buffy by the arm. She didn't want to let Spike go, but a force in Angel's grip made her reluctantly drew her body away from him. Her gaze though still set on him. 

"I-I don't understand. H-He asked me if he knew me? W-What's happening, Angel?" Buffy finally tore her gaze and looked up to the brunette vamp. At a beat of silence he gave her, fear slowly crept over her and her face hardened. "What. Did. You do to him, Angel?" The man in question looked anywhere but her, evidently having trouble in answering her. His head snapped to look at her when the slayer's delicate hands gripped his arms firmly. "Tell me, Angel! What is going on?" A hint of anger flashed in her eyes as she insisted.

"I…I'm not really sure. The prophecy said that a vampire with a soul would redeem himself and eventually shanshued. We have done research but nothing good came up. My guess is, he somewhat lost his memories gradually as he was returned to earth. It happened to Cordy before." Angel explained. 

Buffy covered her mouth with her hands, shaking her head when the news hit her. "Your guess? What—No! This can't be happening! I-I've lost him for three months and now he comes back without even knowing who I am?" 

"Buffy…" Angel tried to reach her but she backed away and shook her head more feverishly.

"I need to talk him." She looked around the lobby for Spike but he's already gone. Looking through the glass doors, she could see his silhouette by the fountain. 

"And what are you going to tell him? That he tried to kill you before? That you were his mortal enemy? Yeah, that'll make him jump in joy." Angel's question stopped her instantly. Her body became tense as she contemplated his words.     

Without looking back to him, she replied quietly, "I just want him to get to know me."

*^*^**^*^*^*^*^*^*

Buffy took a long deep breath, trying to find some courage to talk to the blond vamp…or human more properly. It still felt odd to her that this man used to be the strongest ally she'd ever had, the only man with the biggest faith in her, the man who gave her the strength she never knew she could possess, the man who loved her so much he'd give anything to her…the man who had sacrificed himself to save the world. And now, he was a human being, who had no memories of her, of them, of their sweet moments they shared days before the final battle. 

She bit her tears back. She thought missing him everyday was bad, but this time, seeing him without being able to touch him was beyond worse. Angel might be right. Telling him everything about his past while he still tried to adjust to this world would freak the hell out of him. How could one tell the person one loved that they were once mortal enemies? 

Buffy heaved a desperate sigh. She needed to tell him everything, but she didn't want to scare him away. She wanted to touch him, feel him in her arms, and watch him sleep in her bed. It hurt to know that she ached for him yet she was hopeless to do anything about it. The man she had been watching flicked the cig with his thumb and watched the ashes fell down to the ground. 

"You know you can have lung cancer now that you're human." Buffy commented, stepping slowly to him. Spike chuckled. 

"Yeah, so I've been told." A curious frown washed over his handsome face. For some weird reasons, he had this crave for smoking though he still couldn't remember anything at all. The only thing he had acknowledged was that he was once a vampire and that fact had blown him away real hard. He stomped the butt with one sole, and turned his head to her, tilting it slightly. "Were…" He began tentatively. "...Were we...involved?" Buffy gave him a smile. 

"Yeah, we were involved when..." She paused for a moment, deciding that continuing with '...when I was really depressed and I beat the shit out of you' wasn't such a good idea. "We were involved for a while." She amended her sentence. 

He flashed her a faltering smile and she smiled back. Buffy tried to gain as much control as she could, knowing that she couldn't jump into his arms while he was only within a foot away. 

"Were we happy?" He asked again in a soft voice. She didn't answer him immediately as she drifted her eyes to her feet. Were they happy? How could they be happy when they had such a messy relationship? 

Looking back to him, she gave a weak smile, replying quietly, "Yes, we were happy." She knew she wasn't supposed to lie like that. But she couldn't bring herself to do any explanations. Not now, not after what he had gone through and especially not when he didn't recall anything about himself and everyone he supposedly knew. 

Spike nodded in understanding. An awkward silence then fell between them. 

"Buffy…" Angel's voice broke the silence. The slayer turned to its source. "Dawn is on the phone." Nodding at the vamp briefly, she turned around and started for the lobby. The man, who was still sitting by the fountain, stopped her with another question. 

"Am I going to remember my past again?" 

Buffy was silenced momentarily before glancing over her shoulder and answering him softly, "We'll see about that."

_to be continued._


	4. Chapter 3: Bring the Memories Back to Me

**Chapter 3: Bring the Memories Back to Me**

Spike looked at his surrounding. There was nothing but mist. _Where am I?_ He thought as he tentatively took a step, breaking into the thick fog. 

"Spike…" There it was again, a female voice that called him the night Angel found him. He turned around to the source of the voice, but no one was there. "Spike…" She called again, this time was clearer and louder. 

"Who are you?" He called, squinting his eyes and waving his hands to clear the fog. "Where are you?" He shouted again. A figure slowly appeared and approached him. It was female, the same figure, yet her face was still blurry, hidden by the mist. He froze on his feet, eyes open wide as the figure moved towards him. "Who are you?" He asked in a whisper.  

She extended her hand and called his name again gently. "Spike…Come home. I want you to come home." 

"But I don't know where home is. I don't even know I am." Spike reached for her hand but she suddenly moved backwards. "Wait! Don't go! Where's home? I need you to tell me about me." He tried to run after her but he couldn't move from his spot. His feet glued to the ground and he could only watch her disappear. "Wait! Come back!" He yelled. 

"Come back!" Spike shouted, then snapped his eyes open and looked around him. He was in his bedroom. He sat up and wiped the sweat from his forehead, his heartbeat was racing. 

_Who is she? Where's home?_ The questions filled his brain and he was eager to find out. Perhaps the AI crews might have the answers. After all, they believed in supernatural and dealt with it everyday like Angel told him. 

Getting out of bed, he grabbed his jeans and shirt and put them on. He sat again as he slipped into his boots. He glanced at the clock before he headed for the door. It was 3 AM. People should be asleep by now, except Angel. The brunette vampire told him that he was a creature of the night just like he himself was in the past. At first, he was ridiculed by the information though he was somehow amused with the fact that he used to have superhuman strength.  He asked Angel whether he was a good person in the past, but the vampire never answered him. He tried to ask every one of the AI employees, yet he found no answer. 

Spike digged into his jeans pocket for cigarettes and lighter, finding them, he slipped one cig between his lips and lit it as his feet brought him to the balcony. He halted immediately when he saw the petite blond standing in one corner, her arms wrapped around herself as she looked far to the night. 

"Hi, there." He called softly, taking a puff and blowing it off, and smiling at her. Buffy spun around to the voice and smiled back. She took his appearance in. Black jeans, black t-shirt and boots. Funny how he still had the same taste in clothes. 

"Hey. Can't sleep?" 

"No, try to clear my mind. Had a weird dream before." He walked towards her and leaned against the railing. "What about you?" She shook her head. 

"Can't sleep either. I still have the habit of being awake at this hour for slaying and patrolling." At the puzzled look he gave her, she realized that he didn't know who she was, what she really was. "I'm…a slayer. A vampire slayer." She watched him as emotions passed over his features.

"Does that mean…you kill my kind?" Buffy was slightly surprised that he knew who he used to be. 

"You know?" 

"Angel told me. Does this mean we were enemies? If you kill my kind, then I was supposed to be you're enemy, right? Or used to be." He stared at her; desperation for answers was evident in his blue orbs. He was getting more confused by every new piece of information thrown at him. How could they be involved if they were enemies? 

Buffy wasn't prepared for this. She didn't expect him to ask about their former status so soon. But she couldn't lie either. It was bad enough to tell him that they were happy. He deserved the truth, no matter how painful it could be. The problem was, how far would she tell him? 

Taking a deep breath, she answered, "Yes, I kill your kind and we used to be enemies. BUT, it happened way before we got involved." Spike nodded thoughtfully, pleased with the answer. He took a long drag as he shifted from one foot to the other. 

"Your name…Buffy, right?" At the nod the slayer gave him, he continued, "Angel kept mentioning it when we met the first time in the alley. So I figure since we used to be involved, you should know a lot about me." Buffy gave him a smile. She reached for his hand and pulled him as she walked back inside. 

"Come with me. I wanna show you something." Spike silently followed her as she guided him to her bedroom. 

*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*

"This is Willow, that's Xander and that's Dawn." Buffy pointed to each person in the picture that Spike held in his hands. "Willow and Xander are my best friends since high school and Dawn is my sister. She was very close to you and she's coming over tomorrow." For a minute, they stared at each other. Then Spike broke his gaze and looked down to the picture again. It was the only picture she brought with her. 

Buffy silently cursed Angel for not telling her about Spike's condition sooner. She could've brought everything that could remind him about Sunnydale, about her, and about the people he used to know. But then again, she didn't have many reminders since Sunnydale was destroyed. She suddenly remembered the other thing she brought with her as she reached for her neck and pulled her necklace out. A silver ring with black gems was attached on the string and she unhooked the clasp. Spike looked down to the ring she represented to him.   
  


"You gave me this ring when you proposed to me. Well, it was a spell actually. Willow cast a marriage spell on us and we were engaged." She chuckled softly. Spike stayed quiet as he took the ring from her and observed it. Studying his features, Buffy wished that the marriage proposal were real. She wanted to spend her life with him, now that he came back. 

She remembered when the spell was broken, she never returned it to him. She had kept it in her drawer and forgotten about it. Until she cleaned her room during the summer Spike went to Africa that she found it. She was grateful that she secretly wore it under her shirt before they went for the final battle. And she never took it from her neck ever since. It was the only thing she had from him. She used to cry over it for hours every night after having the same dream, kissing the ring and holding it like a precious gift. 

"Y-You can have it if you like. It's yours after all." She said. Spike looked up to her, then handed the ring back.

"No, keep it. I want you to keep it." He smiled genuinely. She must have loved him so much that she brought the ring everywhere she went. Warm sensation coursed through him at the thought of loving and being loved by this woman. And he could fall for her all over again in no time. "Think I should hit the bed now. Thanks for showing these to me. Even though they don't ring any bells." He gave her another smile before started for the door. 

"Spike…" Buffy grabbed his arm and he spun around to her. Her eyes looked deeply into his with assurance. "We're going to bring your memories back. Sooner or later. No matter what." A smile crept over his face.

"Counting on it." Giving a slight nod, he resumed his pace and headed back to his own room. 

*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*

"Spike!" A young brunette girl flung her arms around Spike and hugged him so tightly that he began to lack of air. He just reached the bottom of the staircase when he saw her talking to Buffy. Her blue eyes widened in shock as she approached him, then threw herself to him.  

"Dawn!" Buffy warned, trying to disentangle her sister from the blond man. Dawn gave her a questioning look at her action. "Amnesia, remember?" 

"Oh, sorry." The former key looked back to Spike sheepishly, but couldn't hide her hurt in her eyes. Spike only smiled at her.

"S'okay. You're Dawn, right? Buffy's sister? She showed me your picture."

"Oh. Yeah, I'm Dawn. Dawn Summers." God, this was awkward! Introducing herself to the person she used to be closest to. "I'm in my final year in high school a-and I'm turning 18 soon. So yay for me!" A wide grin plastered over her face, which then vanished as soon as she realized she was babbling. 

Spike chuckled at her excitement. "I'm…" He then also frowned when he didn't remember his own age. How old was he again? "I…don't even know how old I am."

"Oh, it's okay. W-We can do some research for you. OR you can decide your age yourself or I-I can choose a number for you-" Buffy cleared her throat as a warning to her sister's babble. Dawn noticed it. "Or I…can shut up now." She smiled apologetically. Spike smiled back, amused at her prattle. 

"Where's everyone?" He turned to Buffy once he took in the emptiness of the lobby. 

"They're working. I'm actually going to head over Wolfram & Hart after I take Dawn home. Wanna come with?"

"Sure. S'not like I have anything to do here anyway." 

"But I wanna stay over here tonight." Dawn whined, pulling her best wounded puppy eyes. 

"No! I promised dad to have you home by 7. Besides, you have exams tomorrow. No excuses!" Buffy looked at her sister sternly. 

"But- But I have so much to tell Spike and-" At the look Buffy shot her, Dawn rolled her eyes. "Fine." 

Spike watched the two sisters argue with amusement. He was delighted that this brunette girl had so much love for him. That these two young women cared a big deal about him. Maybe bringing his memories back wouldn't so bad at all, regardless the weirdness and mystical things involved. Maybe he would be actually glad to know how his past life was. And now, he couldn't wait to find out.

_to be continued._


	5. Chapter 4: Revelation of Agony

(A/N: Major thanks to Andrea for beta-ing this chap and thanks to everyone for reviewing me :D Btw, check out my site! See my profile for the addy and I'll love you forever if you visit it and tag me ;) )

**Chapter 4: Revelation of Agony**

Spike sat back on his chair slowly, swallowing hard on yet another bit of information about his past. In front of him, an ancient book was widely spread open, and an illustration of a familiar face was starring back at him. Neat writing informed him that he had killed two slayers. One was during the Boxer Rebellion in China and the other was in 1977, New York. 

He let the data sink in, trying his best to grasp it. How could he kill slayers and fall for one? He thought she must be special. The moment he laid his eyes on her, he knew she wasn't any ordinary woman. She was a slayer, the strongest slayer, or so he had been told. Yet he had fallen for her despite the fact that he was supposed to eliminate her.

His gut twisted and he wanted to heave. Something was odd. Something had not been right between them. She said they had been happy. Had they? Was she telling the truth?

"Spike?" He snapped his head toward the quiet voice by the door. Pursing his lips together, he stayed quiet as Buffy approached him. She stood in front of him, leaning slightly against the desk, eyes filled with concern.

  
"You okay?" Spike only nodded. Looking down the open book, she acknowledged that he had been reading about himself when he had been once a bad ass, a well-known master vampire. Buffy looked back to him. He didn't look happy. "Do- Do you want to leave now?"

"Sure."

*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*

The journey to the Hyperion Hotel was filled with uneasy silence. Buffy tried to make conversation, tried to brighten Spike's mood, but he simply responded with one or two syllables. She still could not surmise the reason of his behavior. Sure, he had read about those slayers he had murdered. So what was the big deal about that? It was in the past and he had changed. She had changed.

Buffy snapped herself out of her train of thought when she finally noticed that the car was no longer moving. Spike stepped out of the car and strode inside the hotel, leaving Buffy to follow behind.

"Spike!" She grabbed his arm; her patience was growing thin at his sudden quietness. "What's wrong? You've been awfully quiet ever since we left Angel's office."

"I'm fine, really. Nothing to worry about."  He jerked his arm away from her and pushed himself into the lobby. Just before he was about to place his foot on the first step of the staircase, he whirled around, causing Buffy to step back a little. "Buffy, were we happy? Before...when we were together, were we happy?"

"I-I've told you, haven't I?" She forced her tone to be as even as possible. She was aware he would someday question it again; she could see the doubt in his eyes.

"Are you telling me the truth? Don't lie, Buffy. I know you're not telling me everything. How-" He paused as he took a deep breath, attempting to contain his emotion, to push his confusion to the back of his mind. "How could you be happy with me? How could you be happy, knowing that I'd killed your kind?" He whispered his questions, eyes held so much desperation for the truth, for the whole truth, even if it would kill him for knowing it.

Buffy pursed her lips together, her jaws visibly ticked, and she was at a loss for words. _Please don't ask me that. Not now. Not today. Not again._ "You changed. You became a better man. You had been the one I trusted. And you'd always been there for me." She dared herself to look into his blue pools, fearing that he would find the hidden lies, the untold truth behind her eyes.

Spike's gaze lingered on hers for a moment before he finally nodded weakly. He looked tired, so many questions he wanted to ask and not a single one of them had a satisfying answer.

"You better get some rest. You look tired." Buffy suggested as she touched his elbow, ready to lead him to his room. She was taken aback when he pulled away and started ascending the staircase.

"You don't have to guide me. I'm not an infant." His voice had suddenly turned cold and startled her even more. Why was he being like this? One minute, he was a confused man, desperate for answers; then the next, he became cold and bitter. Her breath almost hitched up into a sob as she felt a gash scratching her heart in the middle. She forced a smile to surface even though he never turned around to see it.

"I'll get you some water then." Spike didn't answer, so she took it as an approval and walked toward the lobby counter. 

As he reached the middle of the staircase, a pang of pain jolted inside Spike's head and started spreading like bacteria. Spike clutched his head in his hands, almost tempted to yank his hair to cease the pain. "No…not again. Oh god, not again." He mumbled.  His body slumped down and he struggled to lean against the wall. His eyes were bloodshot; he felt they were going to pop out. So, he attempted to close his eyes instead, hoping the pounding in his head would stop any minute.

The second his eyelids fluttered closed, he regretted his decision more than anything. It wasn't the blank space that he had expected to see in his mind. It was gruesome. Hundreds of people lay motionlessly on the ground, fire blazing angrily, eating up the buildings around them. Children crying, women begging for mercy; men running cowardly, trying to save themselves. _Who had done this?  _He wondered.  It was only then that his silent question was answered as he saw four figures walking calmly, in spite of the chaos surrounding them. There were two people he recognized. But, the most shocking fact was that he was one of them. And he was laughing, gleefully as he strolled down the street and then swept the raven-haired girl beside him off her feet, kissing her with passion as if they had just won a battle. He was still laughing; laughing in celebration.

_Oh god, did I do this? Killing hundreds of innocent people. Slaying them as if they were just wild animals._ Spike couldn't bear listening to himself laughing over those dead bodies. The laugh was cruel, sadistic, brutal…inhuman. "No, that wasn't me. What had I done? That's not right. It can't be. It- arrghh!" Spike screamed when his foot tripped him, there was nothing for him to hold on to stop his body from rolling down the steps. As he finally met with the ground floor, he hit his head hard on the metal bar that was a part of decoration on the double doors. A fresh wound open on one corner of his forehead and blood started trickling down the side of his face.

"Spike! Oh my god!" Buffy shrieked, rushing towards him. "Are you okay?" She cradled him in her arms while he was still holding his head in agony.

"Make it stop, Buffy! Make this stop! Please..." He begged, burying his head onto her lap.

"Shhh...it's okay. I'm here. Everything will be fine." She assured him, as her hand gently stroked his curls. Buffy waited for a few minutes until he calmed down. "Come on. Let's get your wound cleaned up." She pulled away slightly before she wrapped her arm around him, helping him to stand on his feet.

As they entered the closest bathroom, near Angel's private office, Buffy sat him down on the closed toilet and then searched for a small towel and alcohol. She was too occupied looking for them that she didn't notice Spike had stood with his eyes wandering around the floor of the bathroom, focusing on the area around the bathtub.  

The shadow of male figure started surfacing, sprawling over a woman. She seemed to be squirming beneath him, struggling to be free while the man attempted to stop her effort.

Spike stared down numbly at the area next to the bathtub, where those shadows appeared before his eyes. Slowly, he began to recognize the couple on the floor, yet he tried to deny who they were. Those couldn't be...

_"Please, please, Spike, please..." _

_"You'll feel it again, Buffy..." _

_"Please don't do this..." _

_"I'm gonna make you feel it."_ __

Like a hard blow on his stomach, he flew across the bathroom. The sting of his fresh wound had been forgotten, now replaced by the gashes on his heart. It felt like some animal claws shredded his newfound beating heart with cruelty, leaving him to depend on his lungs for last minute breaths.

He clutched his chest; he couldn't breathe, choking out as he tried to respire. Buffy snapped her head to him. "Spike?" She wanted to approach him, but for every step she took towards him, he took one back, until he was to the point where his back was trapped against the wall.  Instead, Buffy followed his horrified gaze, which led to the spot near the tub.

Memories of two summers ago came flooding back. It was painful. It was traumatizing. It was tormenting. The way they hurt each other, physically and emotionally. She had tried to forget that, almost had forgotten about it. And almost succeeded forgiving herself for it, already forgiving him for it.

"It's okay, Spike. It's in the past. It doesn't matter anymore." Buffy took a tentative step towards him. She flinched when he moved further away from her with wild shakes of his head. His eyes...oh, his eyes that held so much fright, so much anguish. Unshed tears glistened each eye with the sorrow that had risen from the bitter memory. The way he looked, so lost, so confused. She had only seen that kind of look when she found out he had a soul for the first time.

"No...it IS NOT okay. It will never be okay. I'm a bad man, Buffy. I'm a VERY bad man. I'd never make you happy. We'd never been happy. We never would."

"No, Spike! You don't understand..." Her words rang faintly in his ears as Spike brushed past her, running from the bathroom and slamming the front door with a loud bang.

Buffy crumbled onto the floor at the entrance of the bathroom. Her emotional ache had taken up all of the energy that she would have used to run after him. She covered her face with shaky hands, droplets of tears slipping between her fingers as she choked on her sobs.

_to be continued._


	6. Chapter 5: My Heart Bleeds for You

**Chapter 5: My Heart Bleeds for You**

He ran as fast as his feet could bring him. Images of what happened to them in the bathroom again flashed across his mind. He sped up in an attempt to erase those images, outrun them, only they were stuck in his mind. 

She had lied to him. He wasn't sure whether he should be mad at her for lying about their past relationship. How could she be calm and tell him it was okay? 

_It is not okay. It will never be okay._ Spike told himself again, as if hoping the words would punish him in some way. A messy relationship was one thing, but attempted rape? He would never be able to forgive himself for it. His heart was torn; shredded into million pieces. He really was a horrible person. A bad, horrible man who did not deserve her love in a million years. 

Spike came to a halt, bending down, hands placed on his knees as he caught his breath. Looking around his surroundings, he realized he was in an empty alley and that he had no idea how he had gotten there. For a moment, his thoughts were sidetracked by cats' screeches near a large garbage bin. As the sound dissipated, his brain brought him back to the current misery he was in. 

"What have I done?" He choked back his sob, trying to gain control but failing. "What have I done?" He repeated. Flashbacks resumed haunting him, filling his mind, chastising him. Seeing red, he drove a fist into a nearby wall. The bricks weren't impressed. He slammed the other fist into the wall again and began punching the red bricks. More blows were sent, and to some extent he was satisfied that tiny crumbles of the concrete started falling down. He continued pouring out his devastation into his punches, pouring out his anger of the feeling that he had failed her. Failed to love her as she had deserved to be loved.

Exhausted, he slumped his shoulders in defeat, crumbling down himself to the ground. He noticed his hands were now covered with blood and angry abrasions. But despair had dug a hole in his heart, deeper than the cuts in his hands, letting him to feel the hurt slowly and thoroughly. He lowered his head; hands were placed on top of it as he rested his elbows on his knees.  

"What have I done?" He whispered, voice trembling with cry. 

*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*

Angel opened the door and stepped into the lobby jadedly. He had decided to stop by the hotel to check on Buffy and Spike before he headed to his client's house. The thought of Buffy loving his childe still ridiculed him, even though he attempted his hardest to understand them after having a long talk with her. But then again, he never understood his childe. Spike had never been an ordinary vampire. He'd been unique and still had heart regardless of the expectation that he be an evil bloodsucking fiend. Angel had secretly been awed by Spike's devotion to Drusilla for more than a hundred years. To him, Drusilla had been an obsession of his. To Spike, Drusilla had been his once true love. 

And then he was in love with Buffy and she loved him back. Angel shook his head. He had tried to fully understand her. Yet she still surprised him every time they reunited. 

He froze on his feet as he picked up a faint sound of a female sobbing. "Buffy?" He called, following the sound with tentative steps. His eyes widened once he saw the Slayer sitting on the floor, looking broken. Squatting, he pried her hands away from her face. "Buffy, what happened? Where's- where's Spike?" Angel clenched his jaw as he realized Spike was nowhere to be seen. 

"He's gone. He knew the truth and now he's gone." Buffy sobbed, looking up to him with red eyes. 

"What are you talking about? What truth? Is there something you're not telling me?" She looked away and cried harder. "Buffy…"

"I have to find him. H-He may not be too far from here." She looked back to him, eyes holding urgency as she tried to pick up herself. 

"No, you're not going anywhere." Angel blocked her way, holding her arms as firm as his tone. 

"But I need to find him. I need to explain everything."

"No. You stay here. I'll find him. And as soon as I get him back, you owe me one hell of an explanation." After he seated her on the couch, Angel immediately strode toward the front door. He hoped he could find his childe soon, so he could beat him up for an explanation since in her current state, he didn't think Buffy could provide him with one. 

*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*

Spike was tempted to rip out his hair, to beat himself up; anything to distract the aching pain in his heart and the guilt surging through his entire body. The episode was now fresh in his memory. He could feel it in his soul, eating him from the inside. Scratching, burning, stinging. He could taste it in his mouth like cold bad coffee in the morning. It was revolting. So revolting that it became tasteless and all he could feel was numb. 

"Get up!" Angel ordered in a clip tone. Spike looked up to him. He was so wrapped up in his thoughts that he hadn't sensed the vampire's presence. "I don't know what's going on between you and Buffy but you better come back to hotel with me now." 

Spike shook his head, hanging his head low again. "Can't see her now. It's bad. Everything's going bad." Looking up, he continued, "Do you know what I've done in the past?"

"Well, why don't you tell me?" Angel asked back coldly, curling his fists, hoping that he would not have to use them on his childe's face. 

"I've done horrible things. I knew I did terrible things to people, but I never thought I did things to her."

"What kind of things are you talking about? Is your memory coming back to you now?" 

"The things I did…they're uncalled for. They're wrong. Very wrong." Spike began mumbling to himself.

"Damnit, Spike! Stop babbling. Tell me what happened!" Angel pulled Spike on his feet, shaking him by the shoulders as he asked impatiently. Spike looked away and stayed silent. The brunette stared down at Spike menacingly, then shoved him against the wall with a disgusted look plastered on his pale face. He turned around, one hand placed on his waist and the other on his face, digits pinching on his nose as he tried to contain his anger.  

Angel could hear Lorne's warning in his head. _It's none of your business, Angel and it will stay that way._ He scoffed to himself. _Right. None of my business. Trust them to solve it on their own._ He heaved a sigh. 

"As much as I want to beat the hell out of you, I'm gonna let you two work out whatever problems you're having. Now get on the car, we're going home." 

*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*

Would it be all right if she saw him now? Would it be okay if she sat next to him and talked to him? Would he run away from her, avoiding her as if she were a deadly virus? Buffy placed her palm on the door quietly, contemplating her choices, either to knock or let him rest. Deciding to choose option one, she gave soft knock on the door. Once, twice…barely heard. 

"Come in." She sighed in relief once she heard his invitation. Turning the knob slowly, she poked her head into the room. As soon as their eyes met, she slipped into his room fully and closed the door with a soft click. 

"Hey." She said with a small smile. Spike smiled back tentatively. _At least he isn't running off, so that's a good start,_ Buffy thought. She took cautious steps towards him. For each step, she gambled the chances of him being afraid of her. In each step, she put all the hope that he wouldn't flee the room like the incident in the bathroom. Glad that he stayed unmoving, she sat next to him on his bed, her hands fidgeting, mirroring his bandaged ones. 

"You're hurt." Buffy had the urge to smack herself on the head as soon as the obvious words escaped her mouth. "Can- can I have a look?" Spike hesitantly laid one of his bandaged hands on her palm. She placed featherlike caresses on the white cotton.  The bare touch sent shivers through him as he stared at her while she continued stroking his hand with her fingertips. Buffy looked up to him and their eyes met. There was a moment of silence where it seemed as if they were searching each other's soul through their concentrated eye contact.  It wasn't long until Spike realized the intensity of their gazing and focused his vision elsewhere.  She winced as he harshly as he drew his hand from hers.  He seemed to not trust her yet. It was funny, if she thought about it. Two summers ago, she told him she would never trust him. Now she was the one who was begging for his trust. The trust to reconcile their relationship. To give in and fall into each other's arms, opening their hearts to each other and believing in them. 

"That day, when you sacrificed yourself to close the hellmouth..." Spike turned his head to her as she continued speaking, "When I told you I loved you, I did mean it and I still do." Buffy looked up to meet his eyes, her own holding an assurance behind them. "I still love you, Spike. You didn't believe me back then but you need to believe it now. I felt empty when you were gone. The world was safe but I wasn't and you know why? Because I'm not going to be safe in this world, unless I'm in your arms and I want to be safe now because you're here. Because you're here with me. And- and that's enough for me." Tears started to well up behind her eyes, but she held them back. Spike opened and shut his mouth, not knowing how to respond. The look on this woman's face made him want to value everything she said. 

"Remember when you said I was the one?" At his confused expression, Buffy lowered her head while she restrained the tears that threatened to fall. She chuckled softly, silently telling him _'Course, you don't remember.'_then looked up to him again. "Well, you told me I was the one and you told me you'd seen the best and the worst in me. I believed in you, Spike. And I want to tell you that you're the one. You're the one for me. I may not have seen your worst but I've seen the best in you, and you have it here." Buffy placed a palm over his heart, sniffling. Spike put his hand on top of hers. At the feel of his warm touch, she started to cry, finally giving into the tears. 

He caressed her tears away with his thumb. "Shh…you don't need to continue, you-."  Buffy shook her head vigorously and cut him off. 

"No, I need to finish what I want to tell you. Because I want to tell you everything that is in my heart." Buffy took a deep breath and sniffled. Spike waited patiently. "You know why I gave you the amulet? Because deep inside my heart, I knew you were a true champion. You were my champion, Spike. My hero; and you still are." Spike's breath hitched in his throat as his eyes looked into hers with awe. "But you were wrong. You were wrong about giving me what I deserved. I didn't deserve your soul, I deserved you. The inside of you, and I get it now. You didn't get your soul for me, but you gave me my soul. And it's you, Spike. You are my soul, my other half. I don't know how I survived these months. Maybe it's because I believed that you were coming back to me, back into my arms. And here you are. Tell me you're coming back to me, Spike. Please tell me you're coming back for me…" She begged, her eyes pleading into his, hot tears running down freely.

Spike caressed her cheek and hushed her. "Shh…I am, I am coming back to you…for you, sweetheart." He still couldn't believe that such an angel like her loved him deeply and with all her heart. Though he hadn't remembered everything about them, he wanted to cherish this moment. Spike leaned down and kissed her softly. Buffy kissed him back hungrily, desperately, aching to touch him. 

"Touch me, Spike. Make love to me." She whispered. He kissed her again, slowly and thoroughly. Running his hand through her golden tresses, he moved from her lips and kissed her tears away. Spike laid her on her back, bringing his mouth back to hers. A sudden realization hit him and he pulled away. He didn't want to hurt her. He really didn't. Not again. 

"Spike, it's all right. It will be all right." She reassured him with a smile as she touched his cheek. She reached up to him, bringing him back to her arm and capturing his mouth again. 

Buffy wanted to weep her heart out, to relish the joy of being able to feel him again. He was hers again and she was his. Clothes were soon discarded. Their bodies moulded together and still fit perfectly. 

Spike looked down to her. "Buffy…" 

"I want to feel you. Feel me feeling you." And then he thrust into her, trembling at the feel of her warmth. Buffy gasped, biting back her cry over having him inside her. She was safe now, safe in his arms. Complete. 

Their gazes remained locked as they moved together in harmonic rhythm. She brought her hands to his face, cupping his cheeks and whispering, "Stay with me." He only stared down into her eyes in silence. Their tempo was steadily escalating. "Promise you will stay with me." She whispered again. 

He took a brief moment to study her features, especially her green pools. For the last time, he needed one last assurance from her. And she gave it to him. 

Spike nodded, then lolled his head as he reached his pinnacle. Buffy soon followed him, washed by the pure bliss of their joining. He spread out on top of her, his lips brushing against her ear and he murmured, "Forever." 

A lone tear of euphoria rolled down her cheek as she wrapped her arms around him. 

_to be continued._


	7. Chapter 6: It's All Coming Back to Me

**C****hapter**** 6: It's All Coming Back to Me **

Spike was there again. Back to the place filled with nothing but white mist and he groaned at that. "You just love playing hide and seek with me, don't you? Whoever you are, whatever you want, just bloody tell me cause I'm goddamn tired of your games," he yelled. Turning his head around slowly, he waited for a response. He squinted his eyes through the thick fog, hoping that the woman who had been haunting his dreams would step forward and tell him just what in the bloody hell she wanted from him. 

His patience was wearing thin; he clenched his jaw before shouting again. "Fine. You don't wanna talk to me? That's just fine by me. But if you keep—" 

"Spike…I knew you'd come home. You'd come back to me." He whirled around, finally facing a female figure standing a few feet from him. 

Spike drew his brows together. "What? You mean this is home? This place that offers nothing but fog is my home?" 

"You will be home soon. Reach for my hand, Spike. Come." Tentatively, he took a step toward her; arm stretching out to her, trying to touch her hand but she seemed so far away. Small thunder was heard out of nowhere, and then there was a shrill cry ringing behind him. "No! Don't look back! Please don't!" She suddenly warned. 

"What?" Spike instinctively did the contrary out of curiosity. He widened his eyes, disbelieving what he was seeing. As though watching a horror movie, he watched himself draining a helpless girl and howling in laughter, claiming victory over killing an innocent. The motion picture started to become blurry as it continued displaying his past deeds, letting him know how much satisfaction he used to gain over taking a human's life. He remained still, unable to move as his eyes fixed to the scene. Slowly, he shook his head in denial, mumbling incoherently to himself. He stepped aback, sensing whatever or whomever it was that offered the free show was trying to remind him of who he really was. Or better yet, it was aiming to accuse him, pointing out his flaws, his crimes that he had done in more than a hundred years. 

He couldn't take it any longer. Enough was enough. He tried to look away but his head refused to turn. He shut his eyes closed and whispered, "Stop." 

*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^* 

His eyes flew open, fear starting to crawl inside him as he stared into the ceiling, his breath was erratic. As much as he tried to understand all the meaning of his dreams, he wanted to forget everything he ever saw in them. He was disturbed, annoyed and aghast by them. 

As he was calming down his breathing, he realized he wasn't alone in his bed. A warm body snuggled against him and he looked down to its owner. For a few minutes, he studied her features, her closed eyes, her button nose, her soft golden tresses, her ivory skin. A sad smile touched his lips. He still didn't understand why she was here, why she wanted to be here with him even though he himself had doubts about their future together. Yet she seemed to be sure and insisted that they did belong together. Both of them knew it would be a rocky start to build their renewed relationship and in the back of his mind, he wondered if their love would be good and strong enough to stand by it. 

He carefully and quietly removed himself from her and put his jeans on. His thoughts now focused on his own feelings. Did he love her? He barely knew her, regardless of their past. All he knew about her was that she was a strong independent woman and he admired that. 

_Does she really love you?_ His inner self asked. He wasn't sure how to answer the silent question. Looking back down to her, he recollected their moments together. When she stared at him, did she not gaze at him with warmth in her eyes? When she cried, did her tears not sparkle with hopes to make everything right? When she touched him, did her skin not feel smooth with tenderness? 

Love was not your friend. It was in your blood, in your veins and it would start eating you from the inside out the moment it resided in the centre of your heart. Spike chuckled at the theory. For some weird reason, he found it familiar. Stalking toward the balcony door, he let himself out and breathed in the early morning air. He hissed as his bare feet came into contact with the cold floor. Closing his eyes, he let the cool air filled in his lungs and somehow it calmed the nagging sound in the back of his mind. The nagging sound that continuously asked him whether he would be worthy enough for her? Would he be worthy enough to be cried over night after night? By her? Would he be worthy enough to be loved by her? Would he be just good enough? 

Lighting a cigarette, he wished he could go back to the past so that he could have his decision made. 

*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^* 

Buffy woke up without him beside her. Her breath caught in the throat as she felt the emptiness next to her. _Oh god, please don't tell me it was a dream,_ she feared. For the first time since the hellmouth was destroyed, she had slept peacefully, dreamless. That was if last night wasn't a dream. She looked around, finally let her breath out once she caught a glimpse of white hair. She quickly dressed and walked to the balcony, her lower lip caught in between her teeth. What was he thinking? Did he regret what happened last night? Her thoughts jumbled with uneasiness. And doubt, and fear. The air filled with awkwardness as he acknowledged her presence and they simply stared at each other. 

"I'm…I'm going to my room and uh, take a shower." Buffy finally said after a full long minute of silence. _I wish you'd ask me to be in your shower_, she thought randomly. "And then we can have breakfast together." She continued. Spike only nodded. With that, Buffy turned around and started walking away, only then she spun around again, facing him. "The words I said last night..." She stopped midway, her eyes searching his. Spike tilted his head to the side, waiting for her to continue. "I just want you to know that they are true." _And I hope yours was too_, she silently added as she recalled the word he said. The only word. 

_Forever._

*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^* 

Breakfast was uneventful. Once or twice in every ten minutes, Buffy tried to start a conversation. Yet Spike barely uttered more than three words. She was getting frustrated, but there was nothing she could do. Their silence and politeness around each other was too bizarre to her. She wasn't used to this. She missed their bickering and small talks. She even missed his sexual innuendos although she always appeared to be disgusted by them. She missed the old Spike. 

And now, the man in front of her, the man whose figure resembled exactly that of her ex-lover, didn't even bother to attempt any small conversation to lessen the awkwardness surrounding them. He seemed to be deep in his thoughts as she noticed when he asked her to repeat her questions more than once. 

"If you need anything, I'll be in my room." He said quietly, already started to head toward the staircase. 

"Why are you being like this?" She blurted, standing up from her chair. 

"Like what?" 

"Cold. Like I'm not even here. Like I don't exist." She pursed her lips together before continued in a quieter tone, "Like I'm nothing to you." 

"Buffy…" He saw despair in her eyes and cursed himself for causing it. "I'm sorry, I don't mean to do that. I'm just— confused right now. I don't know what to decide, how to react." 

"Then let me help you. Let me in, Spike." He shook his head slowly, feeling sorry for himself and for her. 

"You can't. I don't even know where to start." He turned around and started for the staircase. As he landed his foot on the first step, he said, "Thank you for the breakfast." Then continued ascending the stairs without looking back at her. 

Buffy let a lone tear roll down her cheek. An odd feeling struck her as she acknowledged how their current situation fell into the same line as theirs two summers ago. She now knew how it felt to try reaching out to a person one loved yet that person refused to open their heart to them. She chuckled bitterly at the irony. Wiping the tear away, she returned to the table and began to clean the dishes up. 

*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^* 

He stared blankly ahead him as he treaded towards his room. He needed a smoke. It appeared it was the only thing that he could depend on at times like this. Digging into his pocket, he drew a pack of Marlboros and slipped one cigarette between his lips. He took a deep intake as he started pacing around his room. Damn it! He didn't want to think of anything at all right now. He didn't want to deal with his doubt, her awaiting hope, and their undecided future. He had hoped she would have all the answers to his dilemma but every time he looked into her eyes, all he could see was the expectation of having all the problems solved and forgetting what was in the past. He couldn't do that. He wanted badly to look into the past no matter how horrendous it would be. Some people might say that it was for the best to forget it, but not him. He had too many questions to ask; questions that he'd been desperately trying to find the answers for. 

Crushing his cig, he went for another one. His hands were shaky when he flicked the Zippo. Staring out to the city, he sorted through his thoughts. What was it about her that had made him care for her? Was it her determination? Was it her strength, her power over saving the world from apocalypses that he had heard from Angel? 

But then again, when did he start to care for her? Was it when he held her hand for the first time? Or maybe when he brushed the tears away from her cheeks. Or perhaps when he quieted her by sealing her lips with his. 

He smiled to himself. There was one thing about her that he couldn't put his finger on, the thing that made him want to make her smile with sparkles dancing around her big green eyes; make her laugh in mirth at his bad jokes and make her feel joyous every time they were together. Sadly, he always ended up making her miserable, brushing her off with his cold demeanor, leaving her with inquiries on the tip of her tongue. 

God, he felt hopeless now. Bits of memories that he had regained clearly didn't help. He crushed his cig into the ashtray and reached for yet another one, but he came up with an empty pack. He scrunched the carton and threw it across the floor carelessly. A similar scene of him doing the exact thing flashed before his eyes as the crumpled carton landed under the table next to the wardrobe. His brows drew into a frown, his eyes fixed to the carton. 

He stalked toward the table and retrieved the packet. Taking a few steps backwards, he tossed the packet once again. This time, the previous scene lasted longer. He could catch a glimpse of blond female near him as if he was talking to her at that moment. Eager to find out who she was, he picked up the carton and did the same thing over and over again, his concentration was focused fully. 

"Buffy." Her name immediately fell from his lips as soon as her face came into view. He wished he could remember what they were talking about. Was it important? To him the least? 

He was so anxious to recall the whole scene that he straightened his body abruptly after bending down to grab the carton under the table; the back of his head hit the table loudly. He cursed under his breath as he rubbed his throbbing head. The effects on his head became worse when a jolt of pain surged through his head. 

He groaned, "This is not happening!" Having learnt from the experience, he tried not to close his eyes. However, all of his energy seemed to be sucked out of his body, leaving him with no other choice but shutting his eyes and clutching his head in his hands and hoping he wouldn't receive any more gruesome and sadistic scenes from the past. 

Various scenes rushed through his minds. He watched himself lying helplessly as men in white coats surrounded him, putting something inside his head. Then it was switched to a scene with him and Buffy smiling into their kiss, her fingers caressing his cheek as she sat on his lap comfortably. The next scenes jumbled through his mind exceedingly fast yet he was able to caught glimpses of Buffy rushing toward him when he lay on the floor, of him holding her bloody hands as they sat face to face, of him stroking her hair as she fell asleep holding onto him, and of their hands clasping together as lights surged through his body. 

Everything seemed to stop in his mind as a vision of him getting out of a car, lighting his cigarette and smiling to himself. "Home sweet home." He heard himself saying. 

"Wh-What?" He whispered disorientated. 

Before his question was answered, a familiar figure came into view. It was her again, the woman who had been haunting his dreams. Bracing himself, he watched her making her way toward him. As her face started to appear clearly, a smile touched her lips and her hand reached out to him. "Come home to me, Spike." She said gently. 

Spike gasped as he snapped his eyes open. He could hear his heart pounding. Breathing heavily, he reached for the table and began to stand up as steady as he could. "Buffy." It was all he could utter before he ran out of the room. 

*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^* 

For an hour she had been fighting herself to not go see him. It was hard just leaving him alone to figure out everything on his own. But she had done everything she could think of to bring his memories back. She had made sure he knew how she felt for him. And all she got was coldness and a brush-off from him. 

She wanted to cry her eyes out. Why was he doing this to her? Did she really deserve to be treated like this? Was this a payback for what she did to him two years ago? She preferred to have him speak a bitter truth than give her the silence treatment. Well, she tried to coax him to open his heart to her. Alas she didn't succeed. 

Buffy sighed in defeat. There was nothing she could do for him now and she hated herself for that. She dragged her feet toward the lobby, her head hung lowly. 

"I remember now, Buffy." Spike's voice intercepted her train of thought. She spun around, seeing him standing tall and panting heavily on the last step of the staircase. Her mouth open slightly but no words escaped. "I remember everything. It's all coming back to me." He gave a short laugh that seemed more like stifling his cry. His gaze fixed on hers as he continued in a softer tone, "I remember how much I love you." 

Buffy blinked back her tears. She took steps toward him then decided to run into his arms. Tears of joy flew across her cheeks as she held onto him tightly. "You have no idea how much I wanted to hear those words." She whispered, choking on her sob. 

Spike smiled against her shoulder, then kissed it tenderly. He pulled away, enough to lean down back to her and kiss her, filling their kiss with the feelings words couldn't describe. The kiss became desperate as both expressed the ache of missing their time together. 

They broke away, smiling. Buffy reached for both of his hands, linking hers with his and looked up to him, fear somewhat flashed across her features as she uttered the same words she told him in the school basement. "I love you." She said meekly. 

Spike smiled and then bent down to give her a sweet kiss. Leaning his forehead against hers, he said, "I love you too, pet." Buffy sighed contently, smiling as tears streamed down her cheeks. 

"Always?" She asked, looking up to him again under her eyelashes. 

His smile widened. "Always." 

_to be continued._

_(A/N: Sorry for the very long delay. RL has been crazy. Hope the epilogue will be coming soon.)_


	8. Epilogue

(A/N:Whew! I finally get to wrap up this little story. I can't believe I spent more than a year to write 8 chapters only! Thank you to everyone who has been patient enough to follow this story when the updates went very slow. And thank you to my betas, Andrea and Brianna who helped me save this story from a very major suckage. LOL)

**Epilogue:**

****

_A few months later..._

__

"Are we there yet? Where are you taking me? You know, I'm beginning to think we've already gotten lost in the middle of nowhere."

"Oh, stop your whinging, luv. We'll be there within minutes. You'll see."

Buffy snorted. "Yes, I will see once I take off this damn blindfold, alright!"

"God, when did you start mastering in whinging like your sister?"

"Oh, I don't know, maybe during the hour we've been driving!" Spike laughed heartily. Her sarcastic remarks reminded him of why he loved this woman so much.

He patted her hand as he said, "Patience is a virtue, pet." Buffy snorted again, then turned her palm over and linked her fingers with his.

* * *

"We're here, sweetheart." Spike announced as he turned off the engine.

"Finally! Can I take off the blindfold, please?"

He stopped her hands from touching the black fabric. "No, not yet. Just wait a sec!" Certain that she would stay put, Spike got out of the car and hurriedly opened the door for her. He wrapped an arm around her as he spoke again, "You can take that off now."

Buffy smiled. Her hands were itching to get the blindfold off of her face. She blinked once, twice to clear her vision. Her eyes widened when she finally acknowledged what she was seeing. "Oh my God!" She almost yelled, and her hand grabbed his free arm tightly. "That's—that's my house! My mother's house! Wait, is this Sunnydale?" She looked around at her surroundings, then looked back to the house a few feet in front of her.

Spike laughed, amused at her comment. "No, sweetheart. We're still in LA. Well, a bit far from the city though. Sunnydale was doomed, shredded into lil' pieces, remember?"

"Yes, but—this is unbelievable!" She was still in awe, her feet unconsciously dragging her closer to the house that looked very similar to her old one.

A large, tall tree was standing sturdily on the left hand side of the front yard. She smiled widely as she thought of the days Spike spent smoking and lurking behind the tree next to her old house. Buffy breathed deeply. The smell of fresh cut grass and paint hit her nose. Her hand reached out for the wooden door, and then Buffy looked back to Spike who was only a foot away from her.

He smiled and took a set of keys out of his jeans pocket. He unlocked the door and made a grand salutation. "After you, my lady." Buffy laughed and accepted his hand, entering the house in anticipation.

She came to a halt in the foyer and gasped. The exterior of the house was indeed very similar to her former Sunnydale home, but she never expected that the interior would look exactly like it as well. The staircase, the dining room, the living room, and even the wallpaper closely resembled her old ones, except that these were brand new. She couldn't wait to see what the rest of the house looked like.

"Spike, this is unbelievable!" She exclaimed as she looked around the house.

Spike chuckled. "Yes, luv. You said that already."

"I know, but—God, I still can't believe it. This is amazing! How did you—?" Spike reached for her and turned her until she was facing the front yard.

He pointed to the large tree they saw earlier. "When I saw that tree, I just had to build you this house." Buffy turned around to face him, her eyes were glazy. "Buffy, this house represents how much I've remembered the past. How much I've cherished my memories of everything that happened in Sunnydale…even the worst ones. I love you, Buffy and I just want to show you how much you mean to me."

Buffy couldn't hold back her tears. She grabbed Spike's face and kissed him passionately. "God, I love you!" She sighed happily after they parted. "Thank you." She wrapped her arms around him as he held her close.

"Did you know I used to fantasize about living together with you and Dawn when I was a vampire?"

She looked up to him. "Really?"

"Yeah. I still do though. What do you say we ask Dawn to move in with us?"

"Or not…" Spike frowned while Buffy smiled coyly. "Well, she is going to college soon, so she _has_ to live in a dorm whether she likes it or not. Isn't it wonderful? House. Us…Only."

A grin spread across his features. "I think I like that even better, luv." Buffy laughed before accepting his kiss.

**_The End_**


End file.
